Works of life?

Life’s a routine. That is why no one wants a breach to their life’s if possible. We hate changes but we should have known that changes are actually the most constant thing. Another catch-22. So what I am experiencing is a huge change. Something that I have to adapt and experience to carry on with my life. For others to move on with their ways. The world doesn’t revolve ard me. That much I know. But neither should I revolve ard the world. I want to live like the way i want to. I am hurting myself while at it. This shows that i am who i am.. no?

Why cant I be selfish?

All shapes and sizes? no.. its a circle.

I had always been so sure about myself when it came to dealing with bad stuff, I would surely come out stronger. Just look at my ‘chronicles’ of my 20 odd years thus far. I haven’t been the luckiest person but I believe if there was an Olympic event on being the not-so-lucky-person, I strongly believe that I will have the chance on the podium. There are times, I give even myself the shivers on how cold-blooded, how heartless I am, how oblivious I can be to situations. I felt that if I am not hurting anyone, including myself, I can totally be at peace with myself. Does this mean now, I was living in a life of denial?

This is a real reality check now. A crisis that I hope to overcome. Its ironic that while i know that I have to overcome it,  I also wanna indulge in this self-pity. Because, to move on, it means-- to forget.  I cant bring myself to forget my fondest memories. If there was one thing good about my life, it was Tiny. I am losing a grip on myself that I suspect if I am suffering from bipolar disorder though my extremes now are at the most negative of feelings. I am falling so deep now that it hurts me so much. I had endured so many types of physical pain so often but I am not ready for such a tear in heart. Just like every other wounds that heals; my skin just toughens itself for the next cut; my ankles just gets bigger every time a new sprain comes about; even heart aches are restored by just hardening  it. In short, I try to prevent the pain even if I cant prevent it, I felt that through every pain, a lesson is learnt, good or bad, I can move on. Why then for this ordeal, I cant seem to pull thru now? I fight with myself that theres nothing to learn from this. Its death..  its irrevocable. It’s a scar. I am unable, unwilling to let go of this good thing…

In life, there really is no bed of roses. As much as I want to avoid the bad stuff, they will come to u, in one form or the other. Life is a full circle. We all actually go through the same things. It is the magnitude that differs. Hunger, have we all not experience it as well? Sadness? Happiness?   Even the very final thing that we all ‘look forward to’ is death. Its just a matter of time.

I am writing this now.. as an expression of my flying thoughts. I cant organize myself. But like a hole in the tree.. I need to vent this. With this, I create my space..